i don't want to jinx it but...

we have a condo in colorado! now, we can finally move!!!!! :)

details to follow as they become available.

i give up.

reflections

i'm very reflective this evening. just warning you. :)

i'm thinking about my life thus far and i'm sitting on my deck for what might very well be the last weekend that i sit here alone before i move. if i could have pictured this night and my life before me at age 18 when i left for the first time, i never, ever would have thought i'd be where i am right now. never. ever. and honestly? no matter how difficult it's been, i wouldn't change a single thing.

i had planned to hang out with barbiedahl tonight and then meet up with classmates who are on a limo tour of the small towns (and bars. hence the limo :) ), but when it came right down to it, the perfect thing to do wasn't to be with new friends or old classmates. the perfect thing was to be right here and to reflect on my life with henry so far.

i'm melancholy, but very content at the same moment. i've been picking all the songs that make me think and the hands down winner tonight is jason mraz. plane. i didn't know about this song til emily introduced it to me and she said, 'this reminds me of you and henry.' and really? it is perfect.

this song is exactly how my life has been since 2003 and it's weird....usually on a weekend, i'd be out here with my love. we cherish the moments we have together and we always try to fit in as much as we can in the 2 and a 1/2 short days we have together every week.

2 weekends ago, i drove henry to the omaha airport for what we hope is the last time. we stood and kissed goodbye as we have done for so long. we always hug and say goodbye and then we kiss and at then, right before he walks away, we always say, '2 more' and we kiss twice and then he walks off and i stand and watch til he goes thru security. he looks back and waves. i won't lie...my heart dies a little, but i blow him a kiss, he does the same and then i walk to my car. he always calls right when i reach it, like he knows. we say goodbye again and then he promises he'll call right before take off and right when he lands in denver. we have done this for 6 years. it's our ritual and we both take comfort in it every week.

we both commented on how weird it is going to be to not have our lives dictated by airplanes and airports. one of the lyrics is "I cannot wait to call you and tell you that I landed somewhere and hand you a square of the airport." he always brings me his boarding pass stub and i can't tell you how many of those i have saved in a box; his "square of the airport." i've saved most of them and the very special ones, i've written on the back of them. those are our love letters, our special mementos that i look at when i can't look at him.

until i heard this song, i never realized that the unspoken part of our goodbyes has always been, "if the plane goes down, i'll remember where the love was found."

i think about the "normal" life of most people...the husband and wife, the girlfriend and boyfriend who come home to each other. they cook dinner, they watch tv together, they go to bed and say good night to each other as they turn off the light. what we do is much different. there's the stress of wondering if he'll land in omaha on friday...the waiting for the phone call that says he landed safetly in denver. the call when he gets home in edwards, safe from the drive up the mountain and thru the tunnel, especially in the winter. the phone call in the morning to say, 'i love you, baby. i'll call you soon, gotta get to work." the call at night to say, 'sleep tight love. i'll come find you in my dreams.'

he is my true love and as i look east to the hills, i look west and think how wonderful it will be to wake up to him in the mountains.

here's the song...PLANE. lyrics included.

on storms

and as i posted that last entry...a sweet summer storm started up. there's nothing better than thunder, lightning and a thorough, soaking rain.

except for maybe a cleansing snow storm. :)

on a tuesday morning.

things are a little complicated right now. well, ok, fine. A LOT complicated right now.

emily just graduated from high school, kristin is getting ready to get married. i am TRYING TO MOVE...and here i am, again, listening to cath.

i don't know what it is about this song, but it gets into my head and makes me think. nothing new about music; music always makes me think, but something about this song, the lyrics, the music itself...it forces what is in my brain to come out. either from my mouth or my fingers. oh, lucky YOU, captive audience!

today is tuesday. it should be the week that i'm moving, but it isn't. before you "feel sorry for me", let me explain.

i still have to get this house in order. and i can't feel ok about leaving until that is done. i still feel bad for emily and the leaving of her boyfriend and friends and i'm still very excited to be with henry every day, but i'm ok that this weekend isn't "go time." it's funny. all i have been waiting for for nearly 4 years is to leave, but for right now...i'm content to stay. for awhile. but only for awhile.

i'll miss seeing my parents on sunday when they show up to drop magazines and newspaper clippings off after church, where bella will be excited that they're there, only to hide under the table when they actually walk in the door. i'll miss having dinner with them at the cracker barrel, where my mom will always order meatloaf or hot beef sandwiches and my dad will always flip shit to our server. i'll miss my friends around mondamin where we'll drink some beer on my porch or head to the cave inn. i'll miss my old work friends when i come back to omaha to visit them. i'll miss going only 3 hours to KC to see my kristin and kristen. i'll miss all of it, but...

i got a bonus this weekend, ya'll. henry was supposed to go back on sunday. but sunday fun turned into monday morning and instead of him getting on a plane in KC today, we all drove back to iowa and now, here i sit with hank, who should be in colorado by now, and we're listening to tunes and we're talking. we've been talking about how weird it will be to not spend our weekends here. how odd it will be to not open a bottle of wine, crack a beer, cook some good food on the grill...how weird it will be to leave this porch. the porch that brings out the best conversation, the best of times.

i love this house. i grew up here, but since we've moved in, it's not the same house from my youth. we've made it OUR HOUSE and we've loved the time we've spent here, with henry, albeit mostly only on weekends. when i look at this house, this town, the hills, i am sad that my time here is ending. i'm excited for my life with my husband in colorado, but...i've been waiting 4 years. what's another few weeks?

less than 2 weeks

i am happy for me, but i am sad for emily. kristin and i just wanted to "get the fuck out of our hometown. " (mom and dad, wait til 30 + seconds in and then you'll get it) em wants to go, but she wants to stay at the same time.

i can't even begin to type about it, lest i jinx everything...give me 2 weeks.

btw, it's 4:30 in the am. can't sleep. haven't been able to for weeks.

don't judge me for my late night/early morning posting. i can't believe it's finally happening...

i'm tired...

there has been way too much going on here in the last 2 weeks and i'm ready for things to slow down. lots of family in town for a funeral, recital, graduation party, kristin and will visiting for a few days, wedding reception planning, and HS graduation with too much running around and too many late nights, etc. i am, in a word, TIRED. i just want to sleep in til noon tomorrow after going to bed tonight at 8 and i'm totally excited about the prospect of putting on my pj's around 7:30 tonight. things aren't going to move more slowly, however, because now we have our sights set on moving. which is actually awesome and i like this idea a lot.

i'm going to sit on the couch and read a magazine and dooze for awhile i think, but before i go...what is the deal with all the feral cats running loose in mondamin and why are there always 10 to 12 snakes in my back yard. gross...

emily and her diabolo